I started the morning unmotivated. Groggy, rushed and feeling like this stupid challenge was just a pipe dream I dabbled with but ultimately wouldn’t finish. The challenge, Virtual Everesting. The group Hells 500 put forth this “simple challenge” called Everesting where you select a hill and just ride up and down it until you reach 29,029 ft, the elevation of Mt. Everest. I already had two failed attempts at this challenge. Time to go in for my third.
Pancakes, we’re making pancakes! Had a nice breakfast of kodiak cakes, veggie sausage. It weighed down my belly and I hadn’t pooped yet. Before the attempt is started a weigh in is necessary to accurately simulate the road. The lower the weight, the less resistance. I gotta lose some ounces, I gotta poop. All this food in my belly is slowing me down and I haven’t even started yet!
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Okay, get it together, I gotta do this. Start this up with some extra pounds, fine. Bloated belly weigh-in done. Finally I hop on the bike and start up Zwift. My mountain, the Alpe du Zwift a simulated version of the famous French Alpe d’huez. It’s a pretty fun climb, the road snakes up the mountain from the jungle to snowy tundra. Steep switchbacks topping around 14% grade. Little alpine houses mark the side of the road. It’s super cute the first time you go up.
The hardest thing about being on a trainer for me is keeping my mind occupied. My plan was to loosely monitor my progress with a phone app while listening to music or watching a show. It would have worked great two days prior, when my phone was functional. However my phone decided to fail that morning. How can I keep my mind busy!? My playlists are played out! It’s just going to be me, in this room, listening to a squeaky chain for 13 hours! Oh look, a cute little house.
I gotta shit.
“No can do buddy! HOLD!” I say to myself.
Each lap is about an hour and 15min of heavy exertion followed by 11min of downhill. Any breaks I take have to be done within the 11min downhill. And finally I gotta go with 20min left on the lap, endure fort. Everesting is a long game. As much as I want to hurry to the top, more stress on my body now will burn me out later. Stay strong James, you will get there when you get there.
I make it to my first downhill break. Set the timer and rush to the toilet to let loose what's on the inside. What the hell, I weigh myself again four pounds lighter. The game doesn’t know I’m four pounds lighter! That’s two kilos! That adds nearly a minute and a half each lap! Good God, What have I become to stress over such silly things as the weight of my poop.
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Still cranky but two kilos lighter cranky. I felt this pressure in my head I just couldn’t shake. The clock was ticking, I rushed through my break grabbing a quick snack. Trying to sort out my technological woes and get in a good rant. An audience of my girlfriend and her parents? Perfect time to go full on crazy person. What did I say again? I am not in a good headspace and I can’t shake it.
My girlfriend Meaghan knows what’s up, she has a few Everestings and a virtual one under her belt. The perfect person to turn to for advice. I should ask her to make me a coffee. Gah! What am I thinking! I felt like I was falling apart in front of them and I was only on the first lap! Times Up, Get it together, Get back on the bike.
Lap two begins and my legs feel a little fatigue and my heart rate is getting up there. Am I going too hard? I scale my effort back. I need something to focus on other than a power number. If only that stupid phone worked. I bet I could figure out what’s going on with it while climbing up a mountain. Why couldn’t I? I manage to remove the screen intact and discover cellphone repair and endurance cycling are not destined to become a mainstream sport. I set it aside for a less sweaty time. I gotta find something to think about other than how much my legs hurt. Something, anything.
I found a solution and found a TV show to watch, some magic filled fantasy show with Kings and Queens. Predictable background noise that goes on for hours, I love it. Lap two had a rough start but that groove I needed to get into was starting. I was well fed, hydrated and finally this agitated pressure in my head was clearing. Keep pedaling, only another 10hrs to go!
Lap three comes around, not halfway yet. I’m covered in salt. For my break, Do I shower? Chamois cream up? Lay on the floor with my legs up in the air like a dead beetle? Just keep pedalling and watch your magic show. My times up the mountain are slowing but not terribly off pace. Everything is fine, I was at a virtual bike party playing a maple syrup drinking game. Take a swig of that sweet maple goodness every time you see a blinky road barrier. Or at switchback number four. Or just drink it, I might have a problem. Five and a half laps to go!
Lap four gets a bit fuzzy. I’ve been inside all day with only small glimpses out the window, it’s getting dark and I haven’t left the house. Did I just waste the day? No! I’ve been doing a really hard thing! This challenge is not for the weak! This is my Everest! Layers of sweat have formed salty crystals on my brow. When I finish this lap I will shower. This is the way of Virtual Everesting as told in the prophecy, it is My Destiny! My BirthRight! 10 minutes to shower, eat and rest the legs. Got to the top, pause the show, let’s go.
Am I a King? Am I a Dragon? Am I getting tired of pedaling my bike up a hill? None of the above. During my rests my heart rate would drop from ~150bpm down to ~100bpm. Between that and the spikes in blood sugar I can get a little loopy. I’m teasing the point of overexertion and relying mainly on my recovery heart rate to tell me if I’ve gone too far. My legs are pretty cool with this.
Lap five gets past the halfway “basecamp” mark. It’s also more vertical ascent than I have ever ridden in one day. I look over my supplies, water, caffeine, maple syrup. I had prepared for about 12hrs of ride time and by the looks of my pace I had about 6 hours left. What if my pace drops? What’s the plan? The plan was simple, it was working and I was overthinking it. Steady, keep it steady.
My breaks between laps became a little longer and a little more relaxed. But not overly so, just an extra minute here or there. Minutes add up when you stop counting them. How they drag on the bike but spin out of control while off it. Stare at the clock but only when not pedaling.
Lap six is going smooth. Eatin potatoes and sippin that Canadian Gold at the blinky, I was sugared up but needed something more in my belly. You don’t have to chew Protein shakes and I figured now would be a great time to have a shot of caffeine. My Brother Chris had given me some instant coffee that was “too strong for him”. Death Wish Instant Coffee™ is too strong for mere mortals! I put half a serving in my shake and was good to go.
My heart rate has been on a rise, I'm sure it has nothing to do with the 200mg of caffeine from the shake. Recovery HR drops to around 100bpm then jumping right back up to the 140s immediately after returning to the bike. I was getting close to 7000 meters, the Everesting death zone. That’s what the website told me, and it’s a good thing I didn’t use the whole packet of coffee. I was jacked.
Lap Seven and I were on a date but I was looking at lap Eight and a Half. 10 hours in I had my pace, I was just watching the stats. Power 180w, cadence in the 60s heart rate not above 150. I had two hours left and the strain was clear. And this show, I am nearly done with the season!
Lap Eight came round, still fueled by a highly caffeinated protein shake and some bananas, my body was on autopilot. Pedal, stand, spin, pedal, stand. I forgot to tally this lap, I knew it wasn’t the end. It’s close but not close enough to the end. The end is 29,029ft, this lap means nothing. I look forward to my 10 minute downhill rest only to start Eight and a half.
Ok, maybe I also look forward to stretching and elevating my legs, eating food and chatting with humans in those 10 minutes. Which might drag into 15 mins. The rest and cooldown feels good, getting started again is the hard part. I recognize I want to linger and take longer breaks not because I need it but because I don’t want to warm up again. Get back to it, Finish This!
Lap Eight and some more, the final episode. Honestly I thought I would have spiked, bonked, or collapsed by now. Should I have gone harder? I can still push harder? Nope, not without my heart popping out of my chest. Stick to the plan, pedal and zone out on the wizard show or whatever I've been watching for the past 12 hours. It’s the epic series finale, the battle between light and darkness with loads of exciting explosions and special effects. The show fails to distract me. My attention is set squarely on the numbers ticking up past 28,000
The last thousand feet or so I thought about other climbs.
800ft to go! Just like one ride up Portland’s West Hills, I can do that.
300 to go, I have another Mt. Tabor in my legs. Easy.
And then I was done.
I kept going a while, thinking I would stop at a number that made sense. I also needed to pad my elevation gain to ensure it was well over the mark. 30,000 sounded fun 13hrs ago but seemed unnecessary now. I was getting slower and less and less motivated. My perceived effort was increasing. I did the thing I came to do, I could stop now.
Made it to 29,406ft, never finished watching that show.
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